By Brigitte Cottrell
1 Corinthians 6 : 9-11
Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, not idolaters, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkerds, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. BUT you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the Name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the spirit of our God.
I have always felt comforted by this verse. And by always, I mean since I have accepted my history of sin, specifically falling captive of homosexual temptation, as a sin able to be washed by God. I feel like most modern day Christians sit in one of two camps. Camp One holds people leaning heavily on verses of Jesus being all loving, and that we are to love one another while allowing for a person’s sexuality and sexual identity to be “just how God made them.” Camp Two hosts degrees of homophobia, leaning into God’s wrath for sin. Neither camp 1 or 2 are biblical spaces for Christians to sit within these issues.
I grew up in a conservative Christian family. We went to church regularly in a Bible Belt section of the United States where church culture was considered “normal”. We all knew what a “hedge of protection” was, although I have never heard anyone from around here call a bush a “hedge”. Culturally we all knew enough about Jesus to be dangerously misinformed.
Here are some other things you should know about me:
I have a husband, and I’m a mom to a daughter.
I am a perfectionist- an Enneagram 1 if you’re into that.
I am an only child.
I overthink and become anxious easily.
I care deeply about what other people think about me. Even typing that sentence makes me roll my eyes because I know what the Bible, and feminism, and my parents have taught me regarding caring about the opinions of others.
I accepted Jesus to be in charge of my life at a bible school somewhere between the ages of 6 and 8, and soon after got baptized.
So consider all of these qualities when I tell you that when puberty hit and I start having intimate feelings for some men and women I felt wrong. I felt broken. I felt unlovable- especially by the creator of the universe.
It wasn’t normal. I wasn’t normal.
As a tween I felt like if I accepted these feelings I wouldn’t have friends, my family would disown me, I couldn’t have a career because nobody would hire me-cue the overthinking. Looking back, I can’t tell you the instance when these feelings started happening. I just felt them. It felt like I was just created to like both men and women. As I got into high school the amount of people I knew who belonged to Camp One grew, and I began to think maybe there is a place for me to be “out” and “Christian.” I told a few friends about my feelings but not many due to fear. I started to seek what my heart wanted. I was in a few relationships with different females, and as I felt my inner sexuality satisfied, the distance between myself and God grew further apart. The relationship I treasured with my parents grew further apart. Although I felt prideful about accepting myself for my feelings, I did not feel joyful like I had when I felt close to God. After all, as a young believer I felt like I was doing everything “right.” I went to church, I prayed, I sang praise songs to God. I tried for a long time to justify my same-sex relationships because I was doing the rest “right.” I tried so hard to justify it, but I would always stand guilty. I missed the feeling of wholeness from God. The lack of wholeness felt like a bowl of soup that had just become broth, missing all of the goodness that a recipe calls for. I missed feeling his spirit comfort me when I felt anxious or lonely.
I chose to step away from that side of myself.
That sentence was hard to type. If you’re reading this as a prescription on how to deal with sin in your life, I’m sorry I can’t give a gentler method. I’m wrestling with those words because it is not easy to tell a LGBT+ person to just “step away” as if it is as easy as ticking off a check list. I cannot imagine someone telling me to step away if I only had feelings for someone of the same gender. Even now there is doubt placed in my mind from Satan that says, “its not like you only like women, what grounds do you have to speak on LGBT+ issues and the gospel” and “Brigitte, you’re married to a man. Your bisexuality has given you a way out.” I have found that there is even an air of mistrust of bisexuality within the LGBT+ community, as if it’s an excuse for not being fully gay.
Another thought I wrestled with was,”Did I choose to step away, or did God through his grace save me from that path? Was this the plan all along? Was I supposed to go down the road of homosexual sin and then turn from it? That makes for a really confusing testimony and I don’t want that. God, can I not struggle with a “normal” sin? “ Regardless of my doings or God’s, I decided to no longer actively participate in those desires. Don’t misunderstand me; the desires were still there- and at times I still feel the temptation- but I knew if I wanted to prioritize my relationship with God I couldn’t act on them.
Let me take a moment to speak to the word temptation. Being tempted by sin does not make you sinful. Being human by nature makes you sinful. Jesus, in all of his perfection, was tempted in the wilderness but never succumbed to it. You can read about it in Matthew chapter 4. If you have a temptation to homosexual or heterosexual sin you are still loved by God. If you have partaken in homosexual or heterosexual sin, you are STILL loved by God as one of his children, but it is time to turn from it. That was another hard sentence. It is hard to combine “camp 1” and “camp 2.” It’s hard to hold God’s love and God’s wrath simultaneously. It’s hard to convey how the joy of being in a relationship with the Lord can overcome any sexual sin. I think the core of all sin is choosing ourselves over God. In fact, if you look at the last commandment Jesus gave his disciples in John 13 he calls them to love one another just as Jesus has loved them, taking the focus off of oneself, centering on God, and pouring out that love to others.
I believe that God is not interested in making a bunch of rules we can’t follow, but his interest is in us as people, as children. We are so quick to pick up an identity. Go back to my about me list, I am more than just a person who struggles with sexual sin. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter. I have talents and skills that he gave me to bring Him glory. God is so much more interested in my other qualities. He knows everything about me because he created me. He knew me when he formed me in my mom’s womb (Jeremiah 1), and I’d be willing to bet that he knew my temptations then. And, I know this isn’t just true for me; it’s true for you too.
The third chapter of 1 John discusses how we are children of God if we hope in Him and we are purified and made righteous. It also says that whoever makes a practice of sinning practices lawlessness and cannot be a child of God. Verse 24 ties the chapter together stating whoever keeps his commandments abides in God and God in him. In simple terms, we should strive to seek God by making a habit of not sinning through following his commands. God’s commands were created to draw us closer to relationship with him. When we seek a relationship with God, he calls for our desires to take the back seat to his desires.
I believe there are others like me. In fact, if we lump all sins together I know there are others like me- 8 billion others like me. The Bible says we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). The church is full of broken and hopefully healing people. I don’t know why I am tempted with homosexual sin. I don’t know why this is part of my story. It is my hope and prayer that this story can be used to shine a light on the sweetness of God’s love and power of his victory over sin. I’m not perfect. I cannot be perfect even if I do all of the “right” things. But I can seek righteousness through the one who saves.
I was washed, I was sanctified, and I was justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the spirit of our God.
For more of Brigitte’s blog with other posts, check out boldlybridged.com